I Thought Movies Were Just Pretend
by Katrina Puffinstuf
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen when Harry, Ron, and Hermione decide to go to the movies? Crossover between HP, LOTR, and Star Wars. Beware of drugs, dredlocks, and pictures of Oliver Wood dressed in a tiger suit. Plus, a heated game of Mine's Longer!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Star Wars, or Lord of the Rings. My use of Chris Columbus in this story was merely because of convenience and because he directed Chamber of Secrets. I don't think he would really do any of the things mentioned in this story, and on top of that, I feel that he did the best job with the first two movies. It's a shame he didn't stay to direct the others.

I have carefully revised this story, as it was first posted on Schnoogle, where I was flamed incessantly for screwing up Legolas' age. It's better now, and I have added a lot. Hope you likey. :)

I Thought Movies Were Just Pretend...  
by Katrina Puffinstuf

One hot, sticky summer day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all hanging out at Hermione's house drinking icy cold lemonade. They were just kicking back, talking about what they could do to pass the time when Hermione had an idea.

"I think we should go to the movies!" she exclaimed suddenly. "My mom and dad always took me when I was a kid, before I had any magic, and it was fun!" she said.

"Yeah! That sounds like a good idea!" said Harry.

"Wow! That would be so cool! I've only heard about going to the movies," said Ron excitedly. "Do the monsters really come out and eat you if you are talking too loudly as it shows?"

Hermione and Harry, who had been to the movies before (being Muggle-raised) exchanged puzzled glances.

"Well, Fred and George told me that--"

"That explains it," said Hermione, rolling her eyes at Ron's mention of the twins. "No, Ron, if there are monsters in the movie, they can't eat you if you talk. In fact, the story on the screen isn't even really happening!"

"What do you mean by 'on the screen'," asked Ron.

"It's _pretend,_" she said. Ron didn't look as if he understood (or else, didn't believe her). Hermione again rolled her eyes and said, "It'll be easier to explain when we get into the theater. Harry, go get the newspaper. It's on the kitchen table."

Harry walked in, grabbed the 'Entertainment' section of the paper, and brought it out. He began flipping through it, and at last, he found the movie listings. "Hmm, lets see. We could see, umm, the Count of Monte Cristo," said Harry.

"No, it looks like something that Malfoy would see," said Ron, eyeing the ad for the movie. It showed a very rich looking man that had lots of jewelry.

"Hey look, guys! Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is playing!" said Hermione animatedly.

Harry read over the article. "Hmmm," he said, scratching his head, "They were a little off last year, completely butchering our uniforms! Wait a second. My eyes aren't blue..."

"I know, lets see Lord of the Rings!" said Hermione upon seeing the ad for it. There was a picture of four midgets, three men, one of whom had pointy ears. "It has that really gorgeous guy in it. You know, the one with the long, blonde, _sexy_ hair?"

"Fine then, we'll go see that." said Ron in an annoyed tone, pulling a strand of his medium length, red, obnoxious hair in front of his eyes to examine its sexiness. "Not all blondes have more fun..." he muttered to himself.

Hermione scowled at him. "You're just jealous!"

"No, I'm not!" said Ron, his ears turning red.

"Stop it, you two!" said Harry loudly, hushing them both. "I hear it has a few good battle scenes with the elves in it, so I think you'd like it, Ron. I guess, then, I'll go too," he said, before quickly adding, "but it's not because of the so called 'hot' guys in it."

After this agreement, the three got a ride to the movie theaters by Hermione's dad.

They walked into the cinema and bought the tickets. While Harry and Hermione were buying something to eat, Ron looked around the place in awe, since the place was quite different than what he had expected (since in school, he was only told about how they used to view movies in the 20s, through nickelodeons or else, in black and white). He scanned the cinema with his mouth-hanging open until Hermione and Harry were done buying their popcorn and candy.

Unfortunately, right as they were walking into the theater, Hermione choked on a piece of popcorn, Ron got knocked out by whacking his head on the door as it swung open, and Harry ran around worrying like an idiot. He tripped over a small child, smashed his head on the floor and was knocked out.

----

They came around, and they found themselves in a weird and dark room. The reason why it was so weird, they didn't realize until they turned the lights on.

Hermione accidentally kicked Ron in the shins, causing him to swear a string of cuss words at the top of his lungs. Harry, meanwhile, searched around for a light switch.

"Hey, you guys shut up! I think I've found it," said Harry, turning on the light.

"What the HELL?!" said Ron.

They were in a small room that was covered in posters advertising movies, although that's not what freaked out Ron. The figures were climbing out of the posters and becoming actual-sized. The first ones to pop out were four little short people, and they all had curly hair that looked like Afros.

"Mr. Frodo!!" said some weird looking blonde one. "Where in Hell are we?"

"Sam, I don't know, it's confusing!" said the Frodo character, fingering something that apparently hung by a chain on his chest. "And will you stop calling me Mr. Frodo!"

"Sorry, Mr. Frodo." said Sam.

"Why are we here anyway! I should have never listened to you when you said to grab onto you when you put the stupid ring on!" said another one.

"I want my mid-afternoon snack!!" cried the last one.

"Merry, I don't know where we are or if there is food, just calm down!" said Frodo impatiently.

"Fine. I hate your stupid ring, you know," said the short one called Merry.

But Mr. Frodo wasn't paying attention to him. He was looking directly at Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

"Who are _you?_" asked Frodo.

Harry was about to say something, but before he could, Hermione burst out and said, "You are from Lord of the Rings, aren't you?! I saw you in the previews!"

"I'm part of the Fellowship, if that is what you mean." said Frodo, a confused look spreading across his features.

"Really?" she said, now more interested. "That means you know that blonde elf guy. I like him. He's hot! Is he coming?"

"Legolas? I really don't know, he should be. He's a pretty good shot with an arrow if that is what you--" he began.

"I don't care!" said Hermione insanely. "You said he would be here!"

"No I didn't!" said Frodo, bewildered. "Calm yourself!"

At this point, she was holding Frodo by the collar of his shirt and he was begging for mercy. "Calm this!" she screamed, before promptly dropping him upon seeing a pretty good looking blonde guy with long hair and pointy ears flying out of the poster and into the wall. He was armed with a bow and arrow.

"Frodo!" he said while he regained his composure, "how many times have we all told you! Don't put the ring on because it draws attention to you! _They_ are coming to kill you, now!" He then added, "and what are you doing down there!"

"This girl was wondering about you. She was holding me by the scruff of my neck. She's pretty strong for a girl," said Frodo. "She thinks you are, erm, _hot_. I am not familiar with the term, but I believe it means that she finds you appealing."

Legolas walked over to her, staring at her curiously. As soon as he reached her, the first thing she blurted out was, "How old are you?"

"Eight (or perhaps nine) centuries, why?" he said, like anyone could be eight to nine centuries old.

Hermione stared at him. "Really, how did you get to be so, um, old?" she asked.

"I'm an elf, so I have a really long life span," he explained. "You see, I hail from Mirkwood, where they--"

"Yeah, right," she said quickly, undressing the tall elf-man with her eyes. "Anyway, do you have a girlfriend?" she asked.

"Umm..."

Ron and Harry pulled Hermione away. "He's too old for you!" said Ron.

"Let me GO!!" she screamed.

"No way, you'd be all over him. And he's an ELF!" said Ron jealously, tugging at her arm.

"Hey!" said Legolas, taking aim at Ron's, well... targets.

"Are you related in any way, shape, or form to a creature named Dobby?" asked Harry curiously.

"Umm..."

Frodo, who was really getting tired of the attention getting taken from him (as he usually did), took the ring out of his pocket. Ron and Harry immediately dropped Hermione and stared at it. Merry, Sam, and the other hobbit named Pippin stared at it also. Legolas, whose will was a great deal stronger than most people, just looked bored, and fell asleep.

"My precious!" they all said at once. Within three seconds, all of them (excluding Legolas) jumped on top of Frodo and wrestled him to the ground and successfully stole the ring from them. Hermione ended up with the ring after a short, but vicious fight. She put it on. Nothing happened.

"What the--hey! Isn't the ring supposed to make me invisible and take me to a different place?" said Hermione frustratedly.

"We aren't in the movie anymore, I guess, so it won't work." said Frodo, snatching the ring back from her. He sat down in the corner and began stroking the ring, muttering, "It's okay, my little one. Shh, it's going to be okay. Don't be afraid! Frodo saved you from the evil one. What? What did you say? Ha ha, yes, I think she must've been PMS-ing too..."

At this, Hermione looked ready to kill the hobbit. She too began muttering things, though they sounded more like, "_I'm gonna rip all of the hair off of your head, you midget!" _She strode over to him, intended to do as she said, but Ron stopped her.

"Calm down!" said Ron, restraining her once again. "You don't want to prove him right, do you?"

At around the same time he said this, another poster came to life. This one was labeled Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones. A man that looked around 19 or 20 years old popped out of the picture. He was wearing a weird looking black suit that made him look as if he was ready to go into combat.

"Where am I?" asked the strangely dressed man. He began to whine in what could possibly be the most obnoxious voice ever heard in any world, crying, "This isn't Geonosis!" He stared around the room, muttering, "This _definitely_ wasn't in the script..."

Within seconds, another young, but bearded, man popped out of the poster.

"There you are, Anakin," said the bearded guy thankfully. His name was Obi-Wan Kenobi.

"Oh no, not you," he said, quite un-thankfully. "I thought it would have been Padme, but no, it's Mr. Jedi Order. Mr. Lets-Do-It-By-The-Book! You just can't stand it 'cause I am better than you!" said Anakin.

"Anakin, you have to finish your training! You can't just abandon it and run off with her!" said Obi-Wan. _"And at least I can act_," he muttered under his breath.

"No, I don't. I don't need your training! I'm already the best Jedi there ever was. Remember that I'm Mr. Midi-Chlorians here. I have to bring balance to the force, not you! _You_ should listen to _me! _Now I want you to go away!" shouted Anakin, looking quite pissed off. "Besides, Palpatine knows that I am stronger than you, anyway! I could totally chop you up with my lightsaber!!"

"You do, you know," said Hermione, out of the blue.

"I do--huh?" asked Anakin confusedly.

"Chop him up with your lightsaber," she said nonchalantly while Obi-Wan and Anakin looked puzzled. "Well," she said, seeing their confused looks, "if you follow the story until the end," she began, "you will find that in the fourth chapter of the saga, you, Anakin, kill Obi-Wan. Of course, Obi-Wan is a now hermit named Ben and Anakin, you are now on the Dark Side going by the name of Darth Vader. Oh," she gestured to Anakin, "and you might want to warn your future son to not kiss the princess he meets--it's his twin sister."

Anakin looked dumbfounded, but Obi-Wan looked furious. Abandoning his nice British accent and finely honed acting skills, he began Really Freaking Out.

"A HERMIT?" he asked. "HOW COULD I BE A HERMIT NAMED BEN?! HOW FREAKIN' ANTICLIMACTIC IS THAT?"

"Very, when all things are considered," said Hermione, adding to poor Obi's troubles.

"Tell me I take a wife, buy a whore, something!" he pleaded. "Tell me, PLEASE, that I get something out of life!"

"You die a virgin," said Hermione pityingly. "Poor thing. No worries, though. I know where you can get help for that. It's a little thing called _Fanfiction_..."

"Really?" he asked, his interest caught. "Tell me more!"

"Well," she began, "I only look to it because it is the only time that I can shag Professor Snape's brains out repeatedly in various places, they usually pair us together." She sighed wistfully as her two friends made rude and disgusted noises behind her.

"Who do _I_ get paired with the most?" asked Obi-Wan very interestedly. "The dancers in Jabba's palace?" He giggled with happiness. "I do enjoy their tentacle heads very much!"

"Well, no," she began. "People usually enjoy putting you with Jar-Jar Binks though, so I suppose that's close."

Obi-Wan shuddered at the thought, as she went on in describing more of his fun pairings, including (but not limited to) just about every male in the Star Wars saga..

"No more, little girl!" he said loudly, throwing up his hands. He took on the air of Jedi Master and spoke: "Hasn't anyone else found it odd that we have all gathered here so haphazardly seemingly out of nowhere? It's absurd! I'm through with this room. It seems that everything in here is just... wrong. I'm leaving." He went over to the door and tried the lock. It would not budge. He threw his body against the door, but to no avail. He grumbled, taking out his lightsaber, as if he didn't want to use it. When he went to click the button, however, it did just fizzed and did not work properly. He slumped down against the door and banged his head on it a few times, muttering incoherent words with each blow.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" wailed Anakin. "Now I'm stuck with him, the guys from Lord of the Rings, and three kids that look sickly familiar!"

"Wait, how do you know us?" asked Harry, who had been unusually silent up until now.

"I really don't know. I saw you in the preview for my movie, I think" said Anakin.

Just then, another person popped out of the poster. It was a little boy that looked remarkably like Anakin, just younger.

"Hi!" he said animatedly and very quickly. "My name is Anakin Skywalker! Want a japor snippet to remember me by? I have lots of them (he held up a few weird looking pendants)! I gave one to this pretty girl once! She came into my shop! Her name was Padme, isn't that weird? I think it's weird. Anyway, I think I'm going to marry her someday, but I haven't gotten the script for the next movie yet. Hey! Do you like cheese? I like cheese!! I like it so much that I eat it all the time even though it makes me fart and then I love to--"

"HEY!" Obi-Wan said to Anakin's apparent younger form, ceasing his self-mutilation. "Get back, that wasn't your poster!" And with that, he shoved the little boy back into the poster.

Then, another person came out of the poster. It was a girl that looked about in her twenties. Anakin rushed over to her and started Hooverizing her (a.k.a., sucking the lips off of her face).

"Didn't need to see that, there," said Ron as the three of them looked away.

There was another poster in there that began to move. It was entitled, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. The three didn't notice that poster until a greasy haired, hook nosed, ugly looking guy popped out of it. It was none other that... Professor Snape!

"AHHHHHHH!" the three of them screamed.

"We're all gonna die!" yelled Ron, grabbing Hermione's hand.

"Snape is here to do us in!" yelled Harry, grabbing Ron's hand.

"How about just _do _us?" grinned Hermione, staring at the Professor lustily.

"Potter, Weasley, Granger?" said Snape menacingly. "What are you doing here? Fifty points from Gryffindor!"

"When I was bad, I used to get spankings," said Hermione sadly.

"Duly noted," said Professor Snape, winking at her as he took out a camera.

Ron and Harry looked on at the scene, gagging, and then remembered that they were still holding hands. They jumped apart and smoothed their hair nervously. How awkward.

Just then, as if matters couldn't get any worse, somebody else popped out of the poster. There was no mistaking it--the silver blonde hair, the icy blue eyes... it was none other than Draco Malfoy.

"Oh lovely," said Ron. "I should have known that some movie in here would have cast a 'Slimy Git' role."

"Hey, where am I?" asked a very confused looking Malfoy, staring around the room.

"Don't ask us, cause we don't know." said Harry impatiently, eyeing the blonde boy carefully.

"Hey, you were just in the movie. Weasley, you just almost got eaten by some spider. It was rather funny, actually, watching you nearly wet yourself, even though it was just a large hunk of scrap metal and a few neat computer-aided special effects. Who are all of these other people?" he said.

Harry was about to answer when yet ANOTHER person popped out of the poster, except it wasn't just one person. It was three people... Harry, Ron, and Hermione!

"What the--" started Harry, looking at himself, though his image was dressed in Hogwarts robes. He then scowled at himself, saying, "My eyes are _green_, you know..."

The poster Harry turned to the poster Hermione and the poster Ron and said, "Was this is the script? I didn't get to it last night if it was."

The poster Hermione scoffed and said, "It must've been Chris' idea, that twit. I suppose he wants this for the deleted scenes rubbish!"

"Don't call him that," said the poster Harry nervously, "He can hear all... see all..." He stared around the room wildly, and began swatting at what could have been flies (except there were no flies present).

Everyone stared at the poster Harry, and the poster Ron explained to them all, "He was traumatized one day after he accidentally walked in on a rather disgusting scene. Chris, our director, was apparently doing something nasty with Wood, who was dressed as a tiger, and evidently, the rest of the male portion of the Quidditch teams, minus Harry, had decided to get in on it." Ron then winced at his own words. "I never knew that Fred and George swung that way, but I will say that I am not surprised that what happened, happened."

Everyone, especially those who were associated with the Harry Potter film or book series, looked appalled, except for Snape who looked mildly interested. The poster Ron looked sympathetic towards the real Ron, who had a look of terror on his face. He suddenly bolted to the door and threw himself at it, saying with every throw, "THIS...CANNOT...BE HAPPENING!!" After awhile, he passed out. No one really cared, though, since Obi-Wan already tried this, and it did not work.

Meanwhile, the two Hermione's looked at each other and said, "This could be very useful..." They sat down and started talking to each other about schoolwork, and how cloning could be very effective in getting work and other things done.

At the word 'clone', Obi-Wan, who was looking miserably at Anakin and Padme going at it in the corner (though Snape was taking pictures), rushed over and said, "Bad idea, girls, bad idea." He then launched into the whole idea that cloning people would just not be a good thing, since people could start up armies and everyone would die. Hermione #1 (will denote the actual Hermione) and Hermione #2 (the fake) almost fell asleep listening.

When he was done, they said in unison, "No offense, Jedi, sir, but you are really boring. No wonder Anakin doesn't want to stay with you..."

"You think I'm bad? Listen to Yoda talk!" he said defensively. "He'll drone on for hours and hours, talking backwards, complaining about how he can't flip people off because he has four fingers, saying 'Four fingers, I have! Inconvenient, this is!"

"Poor Yoda," said Hermione #2, "I don't know what life would be like if I couldn't flip people off."

"Right, I think I would die if I couldn't flip Malfoy the bird every so often..." trailed off Hermione #1.

Speaking of Malfoy, he was feeling very alone. While everyone was in their seemingly separate worlds, he was sitting in the other corner, feeling sorry for himself. All he wanted was a little love in his life (and an emery board to file his nails; they were getting a bit too long). Sure, he had Pansy in the books and perhaps later in the movies, but she only wanted to rape him and make him buy her chocolates and flowers so he could be A Good Boyfriend. Mostly, though, she wanted his Sex (as did everyone in the Harry Potter universe at some point, even Buckbeak). While many of the candidates were promising, he realized that he needed love, not lust! And how alone he felt at this very moment! Now, even when immersed in the oddest group of people, he couldn't find a place to fit in. He grumbled to himself, sitting on the floor propped up against the wall, examining his fingernails and contemplating why life was so cruel to him.

The real Harry looked around the room. His eyes fell across the perturbed looking Draco. The young man looked as if he was going through some extraordinarily tough times, and Harry almost felt sorry for calling him a stuck-up, pig-headed, blankety-blank in his 3rd year. Almost. He could never admit defeat to a Malfoy; it would just be wrong! Besides, then people would begin to think things about him. He didn't want people to think he was _gay_! Ew! It would just be so sickeningly wrong! Harry Potter couldn't be gay, especially with Draco Malfoy! It just wouldn't be right! He was attracted to Cho, after all (though the kiss she had given him had been a bit lackluster). He didn't want anyone to know--erm, _think_ that he could possibly be drawn to his same sex. He couldn't be!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Again, I don't own Harry Potter, Lord of the Rind, or Star Wars. Of note, this was originally written when the first trailer for 'Harry Potter and the Prisoner' or Azkaban came out (i.e. 2003ish early 2004?). You'll understand why this is of importance once you read it!

I Thought Movies Were Pretend  
Episode II  
by Katrina Puffinstuf

After three hours, everyone, in general, was becoming a bit restless. The hobbits were getting increasingly fidgety and rather annoying. Legolas was unwillingly getting his hair braided by the Hermiones (they must've shared a liking for the elf). Anakin and Padme were going at it a second time. This caused Snape to get angry, since he ran out of film with the first time. The real Ron was still passed out on the floor while the poster Harry and the poster Ron talked loudly and animatedly about what would happen if they crossed Snape, Malfoy, and a squirrel ("It would be bitchy, blonde, and bucktoothed! It's the perfect combination!" "But you could minus the squirrel and add in Hermione..." questioned Ron. This led to a significant number of extremely bad jokes involving hermaphrodites and Snape's porn fetish, and since I'm in a set of parentheses, I might as well leave _that_ adventure for another day). The only two subdued ones were the real Harry and the poster Draco, who were sitting in their separate corners.

Not so surprisingly, Frodo was the one who snapped first. "Alright!" he said standing up. "I think we have a wee bit of a problem here!"

"Funny, lad, I don't remember you bein' Irish," said Merry with a heavy Irish accent.

"Stop it!" cried Frodo, clutching at the ring on his necklace, his eyes bulging. "What I'm trying to say is, we need to get back to our respective places! I need to get to Mordor to throw in this ring!"

"Sorry, hun, but that won't happen until the third movie," said Hermione #1, "and even then, you get your finger taken off!"

Obi-Wan stood up and got into Hermione's face, saying, "Listen, young lady, I think we've all heard enough of your know-it-all, future telling ways! I don't need it and he, for damn sure, doesn't need it! I mean, look at him! He's short and... and... look at his feet! I mean, look at them! They are so hairy... it's... it's just not natural!" He said all of this with gusto.

Frodo, in turn, got into Obi-Wan's face as best he could and said, "I think the magical light stick you usually hold is compensating for something! And besides, where I come from, the hairier you are, the better!" He then turned to Hermione, "but the man is right in one way. You've got to shut your mouth before I shove this infernal ring down it!" He suddenly whipped around and began talking to the ring again in a hushed tone, "No, my sweet! I didn't _really_ mean it! It was an empty threat! I would never put you in such a dirty place..."

Both Hermione's looked appalled at this. They both tried to get words out, but nothing came. Instead, the fake Harry and Ron stood up for them, saying, "Well, she sure is a hell of a lot _smarter_ than you two combined, that's for sure! She earns so many points for our house, it's--"

At these words, Snape turned around and said, "Points? I'd give _Neville_ points if he could give me a second roll of film! They are almost done!"

At that instant, there was a sickeningly pleasured cry that came from both members of the couple in the corner. Unfortunately, for the real Ron, he was just waking up in time to hear them scream with pleasure. Sick images of Fred and George, put there unwillingly by his poster counterpart, floated into his mind. Thinking of this, he groaned and vomited onto the floor.

Although Ron was the only one to react to this in that way, everyone, save Snape, was disgusted. Even Legolas' stomach turned upon hearing it.

"Put on some clothing, you damn fools," said Draco suddenly from the corner.

Everyone now looked in Draco's direction. It was amazing that he reacted with such adversity towards the act, since Draco had this reputation of somehow being the sole character in the Potter fandom to bed every single other character in the series (yes, even the Giant Squid).

"I'm being serious," he said disgustedly. "I don't want to hear you two going at it anymore. I know it sounds weird, coming from someone as, well, _aesthetically pleasing_ as me, but get a room! And since you can't, seeing as you are trapped here, please refrain from any type of sexual activity at this time!"

"You just sounded like a stewardess, Malfoy!" said Harry in awe, picturing the pretty long, blonde hair and short skirt that usually accompanied this profession. _Draco is blonde..._ Harry slapped himself in the face and vowed never to think such a thought again.

"Eh-_hem_," said the Hermiones, correcting him in unison, "it's 'flight attendant'."

"Eh-_hem_," said Snape, pointing to his camera, "I've got a web site to keep up, here!"

"Web site or not," continued Draco, "I really don't want to see it, and I daresay that Weasley doesn't want to either." He gestured to the sprawled figure of the real Ron, wallowing in his own vomit. "Besides, I think we could use two more minds better focused on helping up get out of here instead of... that."

Padme stood up at this, clutching Anakin's robes around her. "You are right. We need to get out of here before I go insane!"

Anakin smiled at her too sweetly and said, "Padme, dearest, you won't go insane with me and my lightsaber to protect you!"

Padme scoffed at him and said, "_You_ can't control your feelings, and as for your lightsaber, I think that Frodo was right when he said that they compensate for something!"

Snape chimed in, saying, "I know a place in Hogsmeade where they sell this potion that will make it _inches_--"

Anakin, who was looking quite surly, said, "I don't need any of that! My lightsaber is NOT compensating for anything! I am very well equipped, thank you very much!" he said proudly, though he began to put his clothing back on quickly. Padme did the same.

As soon as they were fully clothed, Draco spoke up again. "Now that everyone is in their right minds, save one Weasley (who was still on the floor unconscious), we need to figure out a way to get out of this room. Any ideas?"

Merry immediately raised his hand. "I've got a great idea!" Everyone curiously stared at him as he began rummaging through his bag. He pulled out a long, thin tube and a small, plastic bag, whose contents looked curiously like...

"Weed!" said the halfling proudly. "The Shire's finest, of course!"

-------

This Baggie of Weed immediately spurred much controversy between the groups that had formed.

The other hobbit was the first to speak up. "You don't want to go wasting that, Merry. That's good weed right there, that is!"

The Hermiones looked appalled at this. "We can't _smoke weed!_ That's... that's... illegal!"

The poster Ron turned to the poster Harry and said with a grin, "Remember when Dobby brought us those brownies...?"

"Oh yes," said the fake Harry, also grinning, "_Special..._"

Obi-Wan stood over by the two identical girls. "I will not participate in any illegal activity that goes on in this room, especially if it has to do with Weed. It affects those with high Midi-Chlorian counts in very bad ways."

Snape raised his eyebrows at the hobbit, proudly holding the Baggie. "Do any of you have a bong? I prefer my weed to be smoked through a bong. It is smoother that way..." He stroked his camera lovingly. "Either way," he said, eyeing the two Hermiones and Padme, "this will undoubtedly get interesting."

Anakin and Padme both looked at the Baggie of Weed, squinting their eyes at it. "I don't know," said Padme. "How do we know it isn't laced with LSD or cocaine or something?"

"What are those things?" asked the hobbits.

"They couldn't have laced it with anything," said Anakin, "they don't even know what it is! Come on, Padme! Let's smoke some. Just a little, tiny bit?"

She looked at him and then to the Baggie and said, "Well... okay! But only a bit!"

"All in favor of smoking the weed, say 'aye'!" said Draco, getting excited. He hadn't had his fix in the longest time!

Almost everyone said 'aye' except for Obi-Wan and the Hermiones.

"It's settled then! Let us get thoroughly stoned!" said Draco, pulling up a seat next to Merry, who was already shoveling weed into the pipe.

A half an hour later...

Everyone conscious in the room was giggling wildly, except for the Hermiones and Obi-Wan, who were deeply immersed in conversation. Draco and Harry were talking and laughing together, tickling each other (they both shared an ultra-sensitive ticklish spot just behind the knee). The hobbits, which were undoubtedly the most affected by the weed, being the smallest of the group, were apparently learning to 'fly'. Snape and Padme were tangoing together, while the poster Ron tapped out the beat. Anakin lay passed out on the floor next to the real Ron. Since Anakin and Ron were inadvertently lying next to each other, the hobbits and poster Harry took the liberty of stripping them both down to their undergarments and placing their hands upon each other in very obscene ways. Even the Hermiones and Obi-Wan laughed upon seeing this, and all were happy.

Hermione #1 looked over at Harry and Draco, who were now lying down together, poking each other and laughing hysterically. She smiled and leaned into her movie counterpart, saying, "Take a look at this..."

Hermione #2 did, and also smiled. "It's good that Malfoy is getting this attention, even if he is stoned and probably won't remember it," she said.

Curiously, #1 asked, "Why do you say that?"

"Oh, off the set, Draco has been unusually quiet," she said. "He won't talk to anyone, anymore. He looks so lonely and often complains of when he has to be around Pansy. He claims that no girl could ever give him what he needs or something of the sort. The more observant people of the cast have been thinking that he could possibly be, well..."

"Gay?" asked #1. She laughed and said, "Draco? Gay? I'd never be able to see it. His father would beat him senseless, I'm guessing!"

"He could be, as they say, 'coming out of the closet," said #2, laughing a little. "But what about your Harry? I know that mine has been acting normal, save the effects of the incident with Wood and Chris..."

"Oh, poor Harry," said #1, smiling slightly. "He likes girls, I think. It's just that in my dimension, he just doesn't know how to act around them! This doesn't mean, however, that he doesn't _not_ like guys in the same way."

"Are you saying..."

"I'll guess that he is bi, if anything," said #1. "All the same, it would be quite the twist to see the two of them hook up!"

"I don't know," said #2, looking over at the two boys, who were now lying next to each other, whispering in each other's ears. "He is one of the Slytherin sex gods, don't you know? And those Slytherins, especially the sex gods, they get around pretty quickly. I'm not sure that a relationship would actually last for long..."

"What do you mean _one_ of the Slytherin sex gods?" asked #1. "Are there more? I mean, Draco is, well, to put it mildly, the one good-looking Slytherin in the bunch! Unless you are talking about..."

The other one nodded as the first one gasped with a smile on her face. "Draco overthrew Snape as the sex god of his house," she said.

"Oh!" giggled Hermione #1. "I could definitely see that..." She looked over at the Stoned Snape and looked at how strangely gracefully he carried Padme across the room in their tango. "He is quite a charmer..."

They both sighed. "He's _soooo_ dreamy..."

The Hermiones then proceeded to each take a hit off of the bong that Snape had somehow made out of Anakin's defunct lightsaber.

Meanwhile, on the floor... 

"Did you know that I overthrew Snape as the Slytherin sex god?" said Draco, twisting a lock of Harry's jet-black hair.

"It's a well deserved title," said Harry groggily, with his eyes half shut. "How did you get it?"

"Oh, well, it's been prophesized that I will sleep with every single organism in the Harry Potter fandom before and after my life is over," he said slowly, smiling. "Do you think the prophecy will come true?"

"Well, I know that Ron won't come easily," began Harry, before he was cut off by Draco's burst of wild laughter. Confused, Harry asked, "Why're you laughing, Draco?"

"It's...it's..." he said through fits of giggles, "you said that Ron wouldn't... he wouldn't... and then you said c-c-come and it was just... wait a second. Did you just call me 'Draco'?"

"Why wouldn't I? That's your name, isn't it?" he said happily.

"It's just that you... you usually call me..." he began, "aw, what the hell! It's about time we were on a first-name basis! Harry!"

"Draco!" exclaimed Harry, throwing his arms in the air.

"Harry!" repeated Draco, also throwing his hands in the air.

"Dra--why are we doing this?" asked Harry. "We could be making better use of this time. We could be trying to get out of the room like you said..."

"Or we could make out furiously until Weasley and Granger come over here to give our asses a sound beating," said Draco with a grin. "I don't think I would mind it, personally. Of course, Ron doesn't come easily..."

"This is true," said Harry, looking drunkenly into the blonde boy's eyes.

"Wait, how do you know?" asked Draco with fear in his voice. "You haven't..."

"I'm just guessing," he said quickly, "don't you worry!"

Draco let out an exaggerated sigh of relief. "Well, that's good. I didn't want to cause you to cheat on anyone..."

"That's very sweet of you, Draco," said Harry, smiling. He then sighed, almost _adoringly_, "You are always thinking of others..."

"I know," said Draco, who was now staring directly into Harry's eyes. "You know, it's a hell of a shame..."

"What is?" asked Harry.

"They couldn't even get the damn eye color right," he said, before pulling Harry in for a kiss.

Their lips touched for just a moment. As soon as they pulled apart, Harry said, in awe, "Draco, that was, simply put, _wonderful_."

"What? That?" asked Draco with a slight laugh. "I'm sure that the famous Harry Potter has been kissed better than that!"

"You are way better than Cho was," he said in amazement.

"She must really be terrible at kissing, then," said Draco. "That was too simple to be anything good. It is definitely not my style to be so... gentle."

"Well, it should be," said Harry. "It was the greatest thing I have ever felt in my life! I wouldn't exactly mind it if you... you know..."

"Did it again?" he asked.

Harry nodded his head slightly. "If you would..."

"Do you seriously think that a Slytherin, especially _the_ Slytherin sex god, would pass up an opportunity such as this?" he said, rumpling Harry's hair playfully.

With that, Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter began their _noble_ work.

-----

Chaos ensued as Draco and Harry had their Adventure on the Floor. The hobbits had all ganged up on poor Obi-Wan, and after what was a vicious battle, the hobbits stole his crippled light saber (no... not _that_ one). Incidentally, soon after the lightsaber theft, this spurred conversation and naughty gestures that eventually led to the hobbits and Snape engaging in a game called 'Mine's Longer'. It finally came down to Snape and Merry, the fattest hobbit.

"I'm telling you, mine is definitely longer than yours!" said Snape, who was bending over to get into the hobbit's face.

"I'll tell you what," growled Merry. "I'll bet the rest of the Weed that mine is longer _and_ thicker!_"_

"Not a chance!" said Snape. "I guess we will just have to find out, then, won't we! Any bets, anyone? I'm putting my bag of Weed down!"

"Oh, I know from experience," said Legolas from the corner (he was now sporting very stylish dreadlocks) "Merry's is definitely the longest and widest!"

"I'm putting my weed on Snape," said Padme, who had apparently taken a liking to the greasy-haired pornographer. "It just would just be fitting that his was longer..."

The Hermione's agreed with a grin. "He is a grown man, you know..."

Snape looked back over at Padme and winked, saying, "You know, I used to be the Slytherin sex god..."

"On with it, then!" said Merry, who proceeded in taking off his belt. Snape followed suit.

There was a collective gasp from the onlookers.

It was no contest.

Merry and Snape held their belts up next to each other. Merry, being considerably fatter than Snape, wore a belt that was much longer and thicker than Snape's.

"Ha! I win! Mine's longer! Mine's longer!" said Merry happily, doing a jig while holding up his pipe. "Give me more Weed! More Weed!"

Snape unwillingly gave up his portion of Weed. Merry took it and shoved it into his pipe, laughing maniacally.

At this point, the real Ron and Anakin (who were, thanks to the hobbits, essentially naked and holding each other in the worst of ways) began waking up. All was fine until Ron found that Anakin's hand was on his bum, and his other hand was dangerously close to the youngest male Weasley's prized family jewels. Ron jumped up, subsequently kicking Anakin in the forehead, screaming like a banshee. He yelled, "I DON'T SWING THAT WAY!" while grabbing his jeans and throwing them over his middle. He ran to a corner of the room and dressed himself.

Anakin looked at Ron, rubbed his forehead, and said, "There must've been a mistake! Everyone knows that there is only one person for me, and she is most definitely a woman! Isn't that right, Padme? Padme?" His eyes searched around the room until he found his 'true love' sitting on the lap of Snape, playing with his greasy hair, flanked on either side by the Hermiones, who leaned up against the man bodily. Poor Anakin let out a cry of anguish and rushed over to her, getting onto his knees.

"My dearest! What about our love? What about our future?" he wailed.

"Anakin," she began, still stoned halfway to Jupiter, "you don't understand. Severus is so... so much more cultured than you are."

"He's smart!" said the first Hermione.

"He's suave!" said the second Hermione.

"He's right ugly as a mule!" said Obi-Wan matter-of-factly. The three girls scowled at viciously. He backed away from the conversation.

"She wants a real man," said Snape with conviction. "Not a boy..."

"What do you mean, more cultured, suave, and smart? I've been to every other planet in the galaxy and saved your very life, and you say that this slimy porno-man is more worldly and intelligent?" said Anakin angrily.

"Don't call him slimy!" said Padme, shielding Snape's ears, as if she were trying to block out what Anakin was saying from him. "It's... it's satisfyingly slick!"

While they all argued back and forth, the real Ron was on the sidelines, looking at the situation. He shook his head miserably, knowing that Snape did not deserve any attention from any sort of female. Not being able to look any longer, he cast his eyes about the room for something more interesting to look at. It was then he found something that made him wish he hadn't of looked away from Anakin, Snape and the girls around him. He saw Harry, the _real_ Harry, his best friend, rolling around on the floor with the fake Draco. What was worse yet was the fact that they were kissing passionately (though the way their hands wandered made it look like a bit more than just kissing). Ron, dumbfounded beyond belief, turned to Obi-Wan, who looked about as spaced out as someone that was stoned. He noticed Ron looking at him and said, "Can I help you with something?"

"Please, _please_ tell me the reason for... for... this!" he said, gesturing around the room at each and every weird scene, especially the one pertaining to Harry and Draco.

"I couldn't even begin to tell you what you've missed," said Obi-Wan with an insane grin. "Just be glad that you did, alright? Things happened here today that no man should ever witness... For instance, it seems that your friend is about as straight as a hanger and as gay as Christmas, and the homliest man on Earth looks as if he is about to get fondled by three women at once. Well, look at the bright side. At least you didn't see them," he stopped to indicate Draco and Harry, "flirting with each other!"

Ron's face was overcome with disbelief. He backed into the door, feeling terribly scared and out of place. "Help!" he cried miserably, banging on the door. "HELP!"

Ron would have screamed for help again, except there was a sudden flash of bright light, and he could not see nor hear anymore.

---

Everything and everyone in the room looked as if they were frozen in place. A calm, blue glow filled the room, and a weird clunking noise was coming from somewhere. That somewhere was from behind the door!

Suddenly, the door opened, and the source of the clunking became apparent. A small, outlandish looking, greenish-gray, four-fingered, wizened creature was standing at the door with a cane in hand. He peered around the room with a quizzical expression. After a few moments, he said in feeble little voice, "Gandalf! Come here, you must!"

Within seconds, a second being that was much taller and more human-like, appeared. He was tall and had a white beard that went down to the rope that held together his robe. "You rang, Yoda?"

"Peculiar, this scene is," he said, focusing in on Padme, who was sitting on Snape's lap, twisting a lock of his hair between her fingers. "Senator Amidala... infatuated, she seems, with the odd looking man. As are the young girls. Awkward, this is."

Gandalf, however, was taking greater care about looking at the hobbits. "My god! Their pupils are bigger than marbles! They must have smoked two pounds! And Legolas? His hair is... braided? It is just as well, I suppose. I always thought that old Leggy was a bit effeminate at times, anyway. Ah, if only Gimli could see this..." He glanced over at the doubles of Harry, Ron, and Hermione and asked, "Yoda, who are these other people?"

"Dumbledore's followers, they are," said Yoda.

The two of them scanned the entire scene and were bewildered at some of the circumstances. Yoda was especially baffled when it came to seeing Harry and Draco entangled with each other on the floor. "The two on the floor are males, are they not? Trying to mate, are they? Work it will not! Lightsaber goes not with lightsaber..." he groaned.

Gandalf laughed heartily and said, "Only on Dagobah does it work like that, Yoda..."

Yoda grumbled and said, "That aside, wrong this scene still is!"

"I do know what you mean," said Gandalf, stroking his chin. "It all does seem rather chaotic. Perhaps we could unfreeze them and--"

"No!" said Yoda. "Take away their memory of this room we must... but how?"

"I believe it is time we summoned Dumbledore," said Gandalf. He tapped his walking staff onto the ground five times, as did Yoda with his cane. Suddenly, a brilliant flash of gold light burst into the room, and soon, Dumbledore stood there, majestic and proud.

"Hello, Gandalf," he said, bowing to his fellow wizard, "and Master Yoda," he also said with a low bow. "Do you need my assistance, or was this another prank summon?"

"We are in a peculiar situation, Albus," said Gandalf, gesturing to the scene around them. "We figured that we needed you to help modify everyone's' memories."

Dumbledore stared around the room and looked at the other two with a small grin. "It would be very interesting if we were to play the rest of this scene out..."

"NO!" shrieked Yoda. "Follow the plots of our own stories, we must! Modify their memories, _you will_!"

Dumbledore backed away from the disgruntled little alien and said, "Fine, fine! I'll do it! But just for the duration of the time they were in this room!" He looked around the room, trying to figure out where to start. He decided that he should satisfy Yoda before the little guy had a hernia. He walked over to Padme first, and muttered, "_Obliviate_." She did not move or alter in any way, but the three of them knew that when they would unfreeze them all, they would all get up and go back to their respective areas. He then levitated her off of Snape's lap and onto the floor (he didn't want the first thing she remember was being on some stranger's lap).

Next came Anakin, who looked like he was at the brink of tears. Dumbledore modified his memory and then traveled over to Obi-Wan, who was sitting between the Hermiones. After finishing with him, he went over to the hobbits and Legolas. Looking up at Gandalf, he asked, "Any special requests?"

"Yes," he said in a conniving manner. "Would you keep Legolas' dreadlocks? I know a dwarf back home that would be very happy to see him like that."

"Will do, Gandy, will do," he said. Dumbledore modified the memories of the hobbits in one swipe (they were halflings, after all). He got to Legolas and prepared a special charm that would ensure that his 'new do' would endure the effects of the memory charm.

He finished with Legolas with a sigh, saying, "I'm done with your parties. You may take them back to your own worlds, if you'd like. They have no idea that any of the events that took place today, took place."

"Good man, Albus," said Gandalf appreciatively. "I'll see you when Return of the King opens, right?"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" said Dumbledore. "And I expect you'll be at Prisoner of Azkaban?"

"Yes, yes, of course!" said Gandalf, smiling. "And Yoda? What happened to you? Episode III has been taking a long time, hasn't it?"

"Work out the kinks, we must," he said slyly. "Say nothing more, I will." With a tap of his cane, he vanished, along with Obi-Wan, Padme, and Anakin.

"I best be going, then, Dumbledore, my old friend," said Gandalf. "Thank you for everything!"

"No problem," sighed Dumbledore. "The real task now is charming the right people, now. I am not sure who is from the movie and who is not!"

Gandalf nodded and tapped his staff once on the floor, causing him to evaporate into thin air, along with the hobbits and Legolas.

Dumbledore peered around the room. His eyes first fell on the Hermiones, who looked so content fawning over the Professor that made their lives hell, and yet, held a certain mysterious hold about him. Chuckling inwardly, he modified their memories. He turned to Snape, who was still wearing a sheepish grin from all of this feminine attention. _I might as well not take this moment from him, since he hasn't had anything close to 'action' since his sex god title was dropped..._ Passing over the poster Ron, who looked merely bored, he came across the real Ron, who looked positively mortified. Curious to what he was freaking out about, he looked in the general direction and saw the two boys curled up with each other on the floor. He chuckled, thinking; _now that's irony..._ He had no intention of modifying Harry _or_ Draco's memories, though he felt terrible for Ron. Realizing that this was probably not the best way for Ron find out about Harry's preference of male over female, he pointed his wand at Ron and said, "_Obliviate!_" Afterwards, he turned Ron around for good measure. Dumbledore figured that he ought to leave them to their own devices now. After all, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had come to see a movie. He didn't want to ruin their plans!

---

"What the..." said Harry, waking up finding himself sprawled on a sticky floor outside of a door marked, _The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring_. There was a sharp pain about his forehead and a small child crying nearby. Ron was also on the floor rubbing his head. Hermione was apparently getting some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation by a young man with long blonde dreadlocked hair. She was smiling weakly when she came to.

Harry got up, helping his two friends to their feet also, and then asked them. "Do any of you remember...anything? Anything in that room?" he said, scratching his head. His last memory was being entangled in the arms of someone warm and... blonde?

Hermione and Ron both shook their heads.

"You must've gotten hit in the head rather hard there, mate," said Ron, clapping him on the back.

"Yes, yes," said Hermione impatiently. "But I didn't get this movie ticket just to stand here and listen to you two get all chummy! Let's get on with the movie!"

"Right," they said together.

They went to open the door to the movie and went into the theater. In the dark hallway, a figure was mopping up someone's spilled drink.

"Idiotic children, I have a right mind to _Crucio_ them all," muttered the figure in a tone that Harry, Ron, and Hermione knew and usually loathed. However, this voice was, to Harry in particular, quite interesting to hear, since the last time he heard it...

"Draco?" called Harry towards the figure.

He stopped mopping and turned to face the trio. "Potter?"

"Yeah, it's me!" he said happily. "And what about you, Draco? All in a Muggle movie theater and everything!"

Hermione and Ron looked dumbfounded, and Draco just looked appalled, staring at Harry. "Why the hell are you calling me Draco?" he spat.

Harry looked a little confused, and then shouted back, "Fine! Pretend like it didn't happen then!"

The two of them screamed obscenities at each other until Harry, escorted by Hermione and Ron, was dragged into the theater.

"What happened with you and Draco," asked Hermione. "Did you guys do what I think you two did?

"Yeah," said Ron sarcastically. "Harry is going to come out of the closet with Draco bloody Malfoy. Right, Hermione."

-fin-


End file.
